I don't know where to begin. There's no way to break this to anyone gently, so I'm just going to come right out with it. Are you sitting down? Not only did I have to go to the vet yesterday, but ... they shaved me. Down there.
I tried to tell them that I'd already been "fixed" (and what a stupid euphemism that is ... nothing was "broken" to begin with) but they wouldn't listen. They just stuck me in that stupid blue cocoon bag and did it. Not so much as a "by your leave" or anything. Don't they know winter's coming?
Anyway, back to the shaving incident. Oh, and before Mama can report on me, let me just say that yes, I did use the carrier as a litter box. I understand the importance of routine health care and monitoring, but I can't just let them shut me in a little box, put me in the car and drive me somewhere without some kind of formal protest.
In the car, Mama told me that not only was I due for a manicure, but that it was also time for some more bloodwork. Great. Didn't they tap enough out of me last time? It's not that I don't understand the reasons for the testing ... my arthritis medicine sometimes causes kidney problems in cats, and the vet wants to keep a close eye on how I'm doing, and Mama and Papa are worried that I might have contracted the disease that Ziggy had. I get it. But I am a very smart, super-aware kitty. You'd think they might save themselves all of this trouble by just asking me how I'm doing, but oh, no.
As a protest for this last-minute update on what was going on, I refused to get out of my carrier at the vet. Normally I like to get out and stretch my legs, but not this time. I just sat on my wet, stinky towel and sulked.
Now, you might have noticed that nowhere in that conversation with Mama in the car was there any mention of my butt. Not once did she ever indicate that there were any plans to separate me from the fur over my gentleman's bits. Or rather, where my gentleman's bits were previously located.
They took me into the back room at the vet and transferred me into that blue bag they use to do my manicure. They took my blood (which I didn't appreciate) and then did my nails. I snarled and hissed at them, but they dismissed my complaints. Fine, I thought, let's just get this over with so I can go home. But then, THEN ... they opened up the back of the bag. Before I knew it, my tail was being held up in the air, and I heard the buzz of the clippers. I yelled, I kicked ... but it was too late. The next thing I knew, my butt had been buzzed. The insides of my thighs looked like peach fuzz, and my, well, you know ... residual bits ... were almost bald.
They did replace my wet towel with a dry papery pad thing, so at least it was dry on the way home. But I was so embarrassed. They told Mama that they shaved me because I wasn't getting my rear end very clean. I don't buy that excuse for a second. I know that my arthritis is hampering some of my activities, but if anyone had bothered to ask, I might have told them that Mama will sneak up on me with a warm washcloth every so often and scrub me down - down there - when I've had a little problem with the litter box. But again ... nobody consults with me.
When we got home, Mama let me out of the carrier in the kitchen, and stayed close by so I could explore if I wanted to. I hopped up onto the couch and we sat together for a while until I regained my composure. Evil didn't get to see anything, but she kept patrolling back and forth in front of the couch ... she could sense that something was going on. But I waited until she went into the basement to use her little box before I got down and went upstairs. I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of seeing what they did to me.
Although ... I did hear Mama tell Papa that Evil's appointment for her second FIV test is next week. Maybe they'll decide that her butt's a little too fuzzy, too ...
So there's my story. I hope it wasn't too shocking for the more impressionable members of my audience. If anyone needs me, I'll be sitting somewhere with my tail artfully arranged around my backside.
The Big Acoustic Kitty
p.s. In case you are wondering, the vet called today with my test results - kidney functions are perfect, and I am FeLV/FIV negative once again.